angel's things

i just started a new relationship with a boy i just met. we’re very much in love and we do live only for each other. but i have a big problem. right before i met him, i was called to go on board a fishing boat for 4 months. it’s a job i’ve been trying to get for 4 years now and finally it’s possible for me to go. great! the problem is that now i have a boyfriend and i’m not sure if going will be the best thing for us… i know i have to think about me and my career but it’s hard when i feel happy with him. because of it, me going to the sea, he’s already parting from me, getting more and more a stranger again… we have the most beautiful love story… we met via internet, got to know each other and fell in love… we met in Foix, France, got back to Portugal together and spent a few days always together, never apart… he knew i was to go to the sea but was always hoping i would stay for him. and i almost did it! but now he’s just getting away from me and i don’t know what to do! should i just let it go? if he wants to go away maybe it wasn’t meant to be… but i believe we should fight for what we want and i do want him… i’m gonna make a last effort to be with him, try to convince him to stay with me… i believe love means stay with your loved one no matter what………

i’m in love…. what to do??

i’m going on a big journey… i’ve been called to embark on a fishing boat, out of newfoundland. it will be definitely amazing… but it will be hard too… i’ll leave behind too much of myself. my family, my animals, my friends, my love… i wont be able to get internet, so i wont be able to post here my impressions of the days… i’ll try and do a journal so i can post it all after it!

:)

the world stoped monday morning… when i got that phone call from my dad at 7:30 am i knew something terrible had happen… my grandfather died during the night. it’s a strange, strange feeling, not because of who died, but because of those who stayed behind… seeing the suffering in my dad’s eyes, hearing it in his voice… it was a terrible thing that happened. for about 2hours i didn’t know what to do. neitheir did my brother and sister. after a while, nothing happened. the world was silent, no one moved, no birds sang, no clouds moved. the wind had stoped. after a few minutes, my sister went to work, my brother started to clean his room. i stayed unmoved. didn’t know what to do so i just kept on doing nothing… after 2hours i finally did something, got to the shower, got some clothes on and went to see my father. it was horrible to get close to him and see him cry, hug him and feel him cry. i just wanted to get out of there, run away, get into the sea and swim away. we spent the day with family, all together untill the body was released from the hospital. by then, i went home, everyone else went to see my grandfather, to say their last goodbyes. i was only capable of doing so by the end of the day. next morning, after a dreadfull night, without any sleep, or almost any, we went to the funeral house, heard the priest talking about him being in a better place and all that. then, they started to close the coffin, but before that, they showed us the body, my grandfather. my aunts went there to say goodbye and that was all i could let my self watch. i run away form it. i cannot imagine how it must be to be in their place, to see their mother die only a year and a half ago and now, their father. i cannot, would not be able to just go on. it’s stupid to think so, but some of us got awake by the time he died. my father and one of my cousins felt sick, me and my sister just couldn’t sleep… maybe it was him, saying his goodbyes… the truth is i couldn’t sleep or eat almost anything since thursday. after he died, my father told me that was when he got worst. i know it’s stupid to thing so, but this the truth and it isn’t the first time it happened. i belive i have a strong connetion to my family, when they’re sick, i just know so. most of the times i just don’t think about why i’m feeling so blue. later on, i understand that it was because something was wrong… i finally got to sleep a little the last 2 nights and i started eating a little better now. 

the death of my grandfather left a big hole in everyone. my father is now the oldest in the family. will he be the next one???

i dream a lot. almost every morning i wake up remembering my dreams. most nights i have nightmares. my mom says it’s normal for me. she says i do that since i was a kid. she says it happens when i’m thirsty.

i have the most strangest dreams.

my dreams happen in a land, a strange land, my own land, my own country. sometimes it’s a beautiful place, full of color, the sun is shinig, birds sing in the background… other times, it’s a dark, dark place… full of shadows, a rainy place, clouds, fog… almost balck&white! but it’s my own! it’s mine and no one gets there without me wanting it. it’s a place full of magic. where my wishes can come true. sadly, most of the times, they don’t…

i’ve dreamt about so many things there! i’ve dreamt about love, hate, sex, happines… i’ve dreamt about so many things… i’ve dreamt about whales and dolphins, about stars and the moon, ghosts and vampires… in my dreams, a war happen at some point… the third world war…

sadly, right at this moment… i have to get back to work, in the real life…

it’s not easy to want something and not getting it. i want a better life. a better life for me and my own. i want to want to get out of bed every morning. i want to get out of bed without any concerning, without worrying about tomorow, without worrying about the future. i want a better life for us. i want to have someone to love. i want to have someone to live for. i want to have someone to die for.

i want. that’s the bottom line.

i just want.